


you oughta know

by ickyhuddling



Series: but i just can't wait for love to destroy us [1]
Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Angst, Cheating, F/F, Guilt, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, Mental Health Issues, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 18:44:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23836999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ickyhuddling/pseuds/ickyhuddling
Summary: Sonny wonders if he knows.She wonders why she even cares.She's dreading their away game in Portland.-A more Sonnett-centric fic based off the song You Oughta Know by Alanis Morissette.
Relationships: Lindsey Horan/Emily Sonnett
Series: but i just can't wait for love to destroy us [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1724170
Comments: 38
Kudos: 164





	you oughta know

**Author's Note:**

> this idea came to me in a fever dream, and it ended up being a lot darker than i originally planned  
i LOVE alanis morissette she is to me what taylor swift was to all teenage girls in the early 2010's, and this is probably one of my favourite songs of hers.  
PLEASE listen to it before or while you read this because the way that she sings it is SO important to the kind of feeling that i built up whilst writing this fic, so here's the link:  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NPcyTyilmYY  
the lyrics ended up fitting SO perfectly with what i was planning to write, which was super satisfying. i changed the pronouns in the song to make it fit a little better, and the song still kinda worked which was great  
anyway this ended up being pretty sad which i'm sort of regretting  
i love writing from lindsey's POV because normally to me she would be the more internally conflicted of the two, but i really enjoyed writing with sonny for this!  
MAY BE TRIGGERING FOR SOME PEOPLE: references to panic attacks and some mentions of mental health problems

** ** ** _I want you to know, that I am happy for you  
I wish nothing but the best for you both_ **

Sonny had settled down in Orlando well enough.

It still felt weird, sometimes, to be pulling on a purple jersey instead of a red and black one.

It still didn’t feel quite right, occasionally, to come away from training dripping in sweat from the heat.

Some mornings she woke up and thought she could never get used to the sound of Ashlyn’s car horn, picking her up for training.

But it got easier.

She liked Marc. He’d let her know from the moment she joined the changing room that she was a valued member of the team, that he wanted her on the pitch as much as possible.

She liked her teammates. Talking to Ash was effortless, and Sonny appreciated her sense of humor. She was a good leader too- focused and supportive when she needed to be. Ali, of course, treated her like she was her own daughter. A regular, comforting hand on her shoulder- a gentle, encouraging smile whenever there was a break in play.

She’d been to see Alex and Serv too, and met their little one. She’d FaceTimed Kelley, who was in Utah, and gloated over how she’d been able to meet baby Janice before Kelley had.

Alex had pulled her aside, as they had got up to leave, and explained that she was always around if she needed anything; a friendly voice, a familiar face, a quick coffee.

Sonny insisted she was fine.

Sonny _was_ fine.

Which was surprising even to her when she considered how many tears she’d shed in January.

And maybe everything wasn’t like it had been at the Thorns, yet, but with every passing day her memories of Oregon blurred. With every cross of the ball, Sonny felt her confidence grow. With every stupid joke and clumsy trip, Sonny’s laugh became more and more genuine.

It was the fourth or fifth week of training, and they were into the final stretch of preseason.

‘Just one more week of this.’ groaned Ali, flopping onto the grass alongside Sonny after their weekly beep test.

‘It’s like Dawn has whispered all her trade secrets into Carl’s ear.’ Sonny said, and Ali chuckled, climbing unsteadily to her feet.

Ash, who’d not taken part in the beep test, grinned, ‘Dawn may have been a stone-cold bitch when it came to meal prep, but boy, that girl knew how to whip us into shape.’

‘Anyone who can get a half-limping Kelley O’Hara through a whole World Cup is worthy of my respect.’ Sonny’s view of the blue Orlando sky was suddenly blocked off by the tanned face of Ali Riley, speaking in her soft Kiwi tones. She offered Sonny a hand- which she took- and hauled her to her feet. ‘Kelley talks about you a lot.’ she added, as they wondered over to the rack of water bottles.

Sonny smirked, ‘All good things, I hope?’

‘Yes, weirdly enough. She insists she’s training you up to become Kelley O’Hara two-point-oh.’

‘Only with better ankles.’

Ali laughed, ‘Maybe the similarities extend off the pitch as well.’ she put a gentle hand on Sonny’s back, ‘We’re all glad to have you here, Sonnett. I think you and I are gonna get on just fine.’

Sonny was on fire that afternoon.

They were doing crossing drills and Sonny was wiping beads of sweat off her forehead after each rep.

Somehow, every ball she knocked into the box- whether it looped back-post or was pulled back to the penalty spot or whipped front-post- seemed to meet Syd’s head or laces, and the balls were flying past Ash. When Ash clambered to her feet after the ball ended up in the net for what felt like the hundredth time, she held her arm high towards Sonny and gave her the finger, putting on a scowl,

‘You might be a shining new signing, Sonny, but don’t forget who the captain of this team is.’

‘Shut up, Ash.’ Syd smirked, folding her arms, ‘Son, sweetie, that’s great, keep em’ coming.’

Toni gave Sonny a pat on the back as she jogged back to join the line of defenders,

‘Been with the team for a month and already living rent-free in Ash’s head. I feel like a proud momma.’

Sonny fumbled with her laces in the locker room, only half paying attention as she unlocked her phone with her thumb. Rose had sent her a message; undoubtedly another video of Wilma doing something stupid.

_Like owner like dog,_ Sonny thought, rolling her eyes.

She switched to Instagram, planning to drop a snarky comment on the video that she knew Rose had posted, when a post caught her eye as she refreshed her feed.

It wasn’t so much the post that caught her attention, but the icon of a blonde lady balancing a ball on her head. Lindsey’s icon.

Sonny scrolled so she could see the whole post and its caption, and-

_Oh. _

_Oh, fuck._

Sonny’s heart squeezed painfully, grip loosening slightly on her phone.

It was a picture of Lindsey’s hand, framed against a white tablecloth and the flickering light of a candle. Sonny’s eyes zeroed in on the band that lined her ring finger.

The band that had a great big diamond sticking out of it, sparkling teasingly at her.

The caption was simply: _i said yes!!_

Abby had commented _congrats_! and Tobin had left a heart, but beyond that no one else had said anything. Sonny could see that both Rose and Sammy had liked the post, but their silence was deafening.

Not that it made Sonny feel better.

Absent-mindedly, Sonny rubbed her thumb across her fingers, closing her eyes and waiting for the room to stop spinning.

She heard a little gasp escape Ali’s mouth from across the room,

‘Son, have you seen Linds’ post?’

Sonny’s mouth was heavy and for a terrifying moment she thought she’d been rendered speechless, ‘Yeah.’

‘Isn’t that great?’ Ali’s eyes were sparkling, completely oblivious.

Sonny couldn’t quite make her smile reach her eyes when she lifted her head to look at Ali,

‘_So_ great.’

  
** _An older version of me  
Is he perverted like me?  
Would he go down on you in a theater?_ **

They won their first game at home to Sky Blue.

It might not have been the biggest win of Sonny’s career, but it felt good.

She played a full ninety at centre-back and Carli only got three shots on goal in the whole game. Ash was delighted with the shut-out, roaring some illegible words in celebration when the final whistle blew. Sonny felt pumped up too, throwing her hands in the air and jogging over to the crowd to shake her fist in celebration.

The fans loved her, and the stadium was rocking to tune of Purple Haze.

Sonny was happy. She loved playing in front of packed out crowds, she loved the Orlando skyline that she could just see peeking out over one of the stadium’s stands, she loved playing alongside Ali. Steady, calm, professional Ali.

She got involved in the post-game huddle, offering her view on their performance and thanking the backline for putting up with her. She danced in the circle, spurred on by the cheers and whoops and claps coming from her teammates, before Marta threw her shoulders back and strutted into the circle to join her.

Sonny had always been the goofy one with the Thorns without too much competition- bar perhaps Caitlin, or Kling. But Marta was a different breed; headstrong and passionate and totally unpredictable. For a while Sonny genuinely thought that she’d been a triplet and her and Emma had somehow been separated from Marta at birth and she’d been smuggled into Brazil on an illegal fishing boat. It was like they were destined to play alongside each other.

Everything started to fall into place.

She gave Carli a quick hug and spoke briefly to Mal, promising to meet her outside the stadium later to grab dinner.

The locker room was bouncing; Syd stood on a chair and whirled her shirt around in the air, Ali Riley banged out a rhythm on her locker door and Alanna was singing extremely loudly and extremely off-key.

Sonny couldn’t keep the grin from her face. _If every game has this kind of energy_, she thought, _then I think Orlando is gonna feel like home real quickly._

Sonny liked to take her time in the showers, scrubbing herself thoroughly and washing her hair. She knew Mal would be a while, with press and media to get through first. She found the locker room empty as she emerged- minus Ali, who was waiting for her patiently, leaning against the door.

‘Oh, you can go ahead.’ Sonny told her, wrapping a towel across her chest, ‘I’m going out with Mal.’

Ali nodded, ‘Okay cool, see you at training.’ she hesitated, briefly, as she turned to leave, ‘I know you’re probably really tired of hearing this, but you played really well today, Son. And I don’t just mean on the pitch. In the huddle, with the fans, after the whistle. You’re progressing so well already.’

Sonny felt the tips of her ears redden and she glanced at the floor, ‘Thanks, Kreigs. Means a lot. Especially coming from you.’

Ali nodded again, then withdrew, and the locker room was empty.

It hit Sonny like a train, when she was pulling on her shorts.

She’d been in an empty locker room before.

_‘Shhhh!’ Lindsey hissed against her lips, glancing over her shoulder as they tumbled through the door. But she was giggling and Sonny couldn’t really take her seriously. _

_Lindsey seemed to have no qualms once the door had closed behind them, hooking her fingers under the waistband of Sonny’s shorts._

_The locker room smelt of sweat and shampoo and grass. _

_Sonny’s back collided with a locker with a bang, and Lindsey leaped backwards in fright. She was only deterred for a few seconds though, lips falling back against Sonny’s with a snicker as she tugged at her shorts. _

_Lindsey’s lips burned, pressing kisses gently down Sonny’s neck, careful not to leave any marks. Her touch roughened once she reached Sonny’s shoulder, teeth grinding against her collar in a way that made Sonny roll her hips reflexively against Lindsey’s. _

_She didn’t waste any more time, and before Sonny knew it, Lindsey was on her knees, shoving her underwear down to ankles and pulling her thighs apart. _

_It really didn’t take Sonny long to come undone, with the fear at the prospect of being caught and Lindsey’s quiet words of encouragement, murmured against her skin. _

Sonny leaned her head against the cool metal of her locker and gritted her teeth.

She couldn’t push the thought out of her mind for the rest of the night.

‘Son?’ Mal asked that night as they shared a bread basket at the unbelievably tacky Italian restaurant that Sonny loved. Sonny hummed to show she was listening. ‘You were unbelievable tonight.’

‘Thank you.’ Sonny mumbled; mouth full of focaccia.

Mal rested her chin on her palms, elbows propped up on the red and white checkered tablecloth, squinting at her from across the table.

‘Have I done something wrong?’

Sonny was still chewing her bread, but her eyes widened in response and she shook her head vigorously, ‘No, no way. What makes you think that?’

‘You’re being weird.’ Mal sat back in her chair and sipped tentatively at her red wine. Sonny knew for a fact that Mal didn’t actually want her wine; she could tell from the longing glances that Mal was giving her glass of Diet Coke. Mal loved to think she was one-upping her, though, and Sonny liked to let her believe it.

‘I don’t know where you’ve got that from.’

Mal stared at her for a few more seconds, trying to make up her mind about whether the conversation was worth pursuing. Finally, she let her shoulders go slack.

‘’Kay then. You’ll tell me when you’re ready.’

Sonny knew she never would.

_  
**Does he speak eloquently  
And would he have your baby?  
I'm sure he'd make a really excellent father** _

The Portland game was right around the corner and Sonny knew it.

While their results hadn’t been particularly poor- a draw away to Utah and a narrow home loss to the Courage, Marc consistently brought up the importance of playing for the win at Providence Park. He pushed them hard in training- making them run that extra mile, putting in that extra set.

Sonny prepared for the match in the same way she prepared for any other team. Because it really _was_ just another game. It didn’t matter if she was going be playing for the wrong team in a stadium that used to chant her name. It didn’t matter if her locker in the away room was bland and bare, rather than emblazoned with her name and number. It didn’t matter if she had to play against her friends- and Lindsey- for ninety minutes. She had a job to do, and Sonny was determined to do it well.

Ali was on high alert in the days leading up to the game, and Sonny resented it. She couldn’t stand Ali’s concerned, sympathetic look whenever she messed up a cross or missed a tackle. She hated that Ali attributed all her mistakes and misread plays to a stupid game. It drove her to breaking-point.

Training on the day before the game was always lighter, less intense, but she felt like she had a point to prove. Marc hadn’t said anything, but Sonny didn’t want to give him any reason not to start her the next day.

In the scrimmage, she was set up to mark Jade- a clear-cut, no-nonsense player from England, who she knew had quick feet. Sonny was careful not to let her get more than half a step in front of her, which actually resulted in deterring Marta’s team from sending the ball their way at all. She could feel Jade grind her heels in frustration as Alanna sent another nothing-ball into the box for Ash to collect with ease.

In the very next play, Jade dropped off and darted towards the centre of pitch, and Sonny knew it was a trap. Yes, she knew that if she followed Jade that Toni would send a looping ball down the empty right-flank once she’d vacated the space. And yes, Marc had mentioned the phrase ‘zonal coverage’ more times than Sonny could count.

Sonny followed her anyway.

Toni, who’d been expecting her to drop off and fall back in line with the defense, didn’t realize fast enough that Sonny was out of position, and passed the ball to Jade.

Sonny knew she could get there before Jade. She knew she was quick enough.

Putting on an extra burst of pace, she caught up with her and threw out her right foot, toe extending to poke the ball away.

She got the ball.

Sonny hooked the ball against Jade’s leg, sending her tumbling onto the turf, and scrambled to her feet, knocking the ball back Carson to reset the play.

Marc whistled appreciatively from the sideline, ‘Great tackle, Sonnett.’

Jade rose to her feet, scowling slightly, and Sonny made sure to give her a light pat on the back to show there were no hard feelings.

‘Okay, good job so far, let’s have a water break!’ Marc called, and the coaches stood up from the bench to start handing out bottles.

Ali appeared on Sonny’s shoulder, ‘You’re going at it too hard.’ she told her, chewing her lip, ‘Calm down a little bit, don’t lunge into things- it’s just a scrimmage, I don’t want anyone getting hurt.’

Sonny couldn’t stand it, the perturbed look on her face.

‘Did you not see that challenge just then? It was perfect. I got the ball. Lay off me, Ali!’ she exploded, and Ali shrank back. It was hardly noticeable, the way her extended hand jerked back just a fraction, but Sonny noticed. The gesture overwhelmed her with guilt, making her instant regret shouting. But she stood by what she said, so simply set her jaw and stared off into the distance.

She didn’t know what she expected Ali to say. To give her an earful, perhaps, but Ali normally reserved those for the referees. Maybe a quick glance at Ash, to exchange a knowing look.

But Ali; affectionate, patient, compassionate Ali, simply nodded her head, said, ‘Okay.’ and jogged over to a nearby coach for a drink.

_They went to get coffee a lot. _

_Far too much, Sonny thought, for professional soccer players at the top of their game. Dawn had always hated the team’s undeniable love for caffeine and always said that she’d spent many sleepless nights wondering how to convince them to kick their addiction. She was always fighting a losing battle, though, because while she could control them to some extent at camp, they always drowned themselves in it once they got back to their teams._

_It was just after the World Cup, and they were still in celebratory mood. They were due to get back to training in less than two days’ time, but when Lindsey had suggested they drive to that café they’d been meaning to check-out for months, Sonny could hardly resist. _

_She loved morning coffees with Lindsey. Sonny thought she always looked the most beautiful on their mid-morning ‘dates’. _

_She loved seeing Lindsey all glammed up- and her stomach turned itself inside out whenever she caught sight of Lindsey in a game- but there was something about the freshness of Lindsey’s face and the glazed, tired look in her eye in the morning that made her feel things nothing else could._

_Lindsey had departed from her usual coffee order on that particular morning, and was sipping thoughtfully at a latte. The morning light through the café window made her eyes look greener than usual._

_‘Penny for your thoughts?’ Sonny asked, looking up at Lindsey from under her eyelashes as she bit into her croissant. _

_‘Just thinking about the World Cup again.’_

_Sonny grinned, brushing crumbs from her fingers, ‘I don’t think you’ll ever stop thinking about it.’_

_‘Is it weird that I don’t want to see Russell?’ _

_Sonny accidentally took a large sip of boiling hot coffee and it burned the insides of her cheeks. They never talked about Russell. _

_‘What?’ _

_‘Like- he keeps bugging me about visiting him in Denver for a weekend and I just- don’t want to go.’_

_Sonny knew she had to tread carefully, ‘Any idea why?’_

_Lindsey sighed, balancing her mug carefully back on the plate, ‘I think it’s just because the second that I do that- go and visit him, I mean- it’s like life has gone back to normal. Like I’m just gonna be regular old Lindsey Horan again. I- I just want us to be back playing at the World Cup forever.’ _

_Sonny nodded, stirring her drink absent-mindedly, ‘That’s a pretty normal feeling to have, I think, Linds. We just won the biggest prize in all of soccer, it’s not gonna be an experience that you want to let go of. Plus, in your eyes you might still be regular old Lindsey, but to the Riveters you’re The Great Horan- midfield maestro and the best thing to grace the locker room since Tobin Heath herself.’ _

_Lindsey rolled her eyes from across the table, lips curling upwards with slight exasperation at the use of her hated nickname, ‘Shut up.’_

_They fell back into silence. _

_‘Russell’s been talking about children.’ Lindsey suddenly blurted, and Sonny very nearly had her second cardiac arrest in five minutes. _

_‘Huh?’_

_Lindsey played with her fingers, which were tangled on her lap, ‘He started talking about it after the World Cup. He didn’t obviously mean anytime that soon, but- but at some point, further down the line.’_

_Sonny’s mouth opened and closed like a fish, ‘I don’t really know what to say to that, Linds.’_

_Lindsey looked like she was choosing her next words with extreme caution, ‘I don’t think I want kids. With him. Not just right now, but ever.’ _

_Sonny suddenly felt the wholly inappropriate urge to smile. _

_‘That’s a pretty big call to make right now, Linds. You might change your mind.’_

_‘I’m not sure that I will.’ Lindsey said brazenly, and quiet descended again. _

_‘For what it’s worth.’ Sonny added, after a little while, ‘I think he’d be a good dad.’_

_Lindsey nodded once, ‘Okay.’_

** _'Cause the love that you gave that we made  
Wasn't able to make it enough for you  
To be open wide, no_ **

Sonny loved to travel.

Even when she’d been growing up in little old Georgia, she’d longed to see the world. She thanked her lucky stars everyday of her life that her dream job not only encompassed travelling across the USA week in, week out, but also across the world.

So it was fair to say that she handled plane rides expertly well. She had her music all queued up, and when that ran dry on longer flights, she always had episodes of Friends downloaded on her phone to watch. Sonny was pretty sure she could quote any episode of Friends down to the very last detail, but she was the kind of person who could watch things over and over again without getting bored.

And sure, normally she’d lean her head against Lindsey’s shoulder and snuggle into her blanket while she did so, but not having that was simply a minor inconvenience.

She sat by herself on plane journeys with the Pride. Alex had found out, somehow (Sonny heavily suspected Ash had been involved), and had made her promise to sit next to her once she came back. Sonny loved Alex, but she was so uncomfortably pretty and Sonny was _enjoying some space by herself, really-_ and she wasn’t Lindsey.

She sat next to a random stranger on the flight, a young business woman with tired eyes who fell asleep the moment the plane took off. She whistled with relief that she’d managed to get an aisle seat.

Ali and Ash sat across the aisle from her. They’d never brought up her outburst at Ali ever again, and had carried on as if nothing had happened. She was grateful, but it also meant she hadn’t had the chance to apologize.

It was obvious to the world and his wife that Ali and Ash were infatuated with each other, but whenever they were on the pitch or on a trip, they remained strictly professional.

They were good at that- separating their own personal feelings towards each other and their professional working relationship. Sonny knew that she wasn’t.

PDA was fairly minimal around the two of them, which was why it was so easy to spend time with them without her feeling like she was intruding. But there were moments- brief flickers- where Sonny could suddenly feel the full force of how horribly single was.

They were doing it now. Ali’s head was on Ash’s lap, her eyes looking up at her with so much love and adoration that Sonny actually felt sick. One of Ash’s hands was running through Ali’s hair, and her other arm was wrapped tightly around hers, intertwining their fingers. Sonny could see Ali tracing her wife’s wedding ring, thumb pushing it round and round her finger.

Sonny had to look away, and she closed her eyes.

_She hadn’t been able to physically leave her bed for the entire day. When the phone call had come in the morning, she’d collapsed onto her sheets. Every time she tried to stand up, her head swam and waves of nausea washed over her. _

_She hadn’t called anybody, to tell them, but Mark had said that he’d also be informing the team, and her phone had buzzed for almost four hours straight with calls and messages. _

_Sonny had ignored them all. _

_Her doorbell rang, and it took her minutes, not seconds, to pull herself off her bed and stumble towards the door, back hunched over. _

_Lindsey’s look when Sonny opened the door was one that Sonny could never forget. _

_It was pain and it was hurt and it was frustration. _

_Frustration, because both of them knew that whatever odd little arrangement they had between the two of them, the odd little arrangement that involved one of their mouths being pressed up against every inch of the other’s skin, wasn’t something that they could just pretend didn’t exist anymore. _

_‘Linds.’ Sonny said weakly, by way of greeting, and she stepped back to allow Lindsey to enter. _

_‘Oh _God_, Son.’ Lindsey said, hands rubbing her face as collapsed into a chair. ‘How’re you- when-’_

_Sonny held up her hand, ‘Don’t talk about it.’ she warned, voice coming out sharper than she intended. _

_Lindsey swallowed, and they stared at each other. _

_‘I can’t-’ Lindsey began, then her voice cut off. She tried again, ‘I can’t do this, anymore, Son. You know that.’_

_Sonny knew she was being selfish. But she didn’t really care. _

_‘Do what?’ she asked nonchalantly, and suddenly Lindsey rose from her chair and shoved her square in the chest._

_‘Don’t play dumb.’ she warned, in a dangerously quiet voice. _

_Sonny had known, from the moment she’d picked up the phone, that it would come down to this. Maybe she’d known since the whole thing had actually started. _

_But the anger, that bitter sense of pure injustice, bubbled in her chest and then she was screaming at Lindsey to get out, to leave her alone, to never speak to her again. _

_And Lindsey had just walked out the door and done exactly as she’d asked. _

‘Excuse me,’ came a voice from beside Sonny, far-away and distant, ‘Could I go to the bathroom?’

Sonny realized she must have dozed off. The tired looking business woman was tapping her on the shoulder.

‘Of course.’ Sonny answered, rubbing sleep from her eyes and unbuckling her seat belt,

‘Thank you.’ Even the tired-lady’s smile was exhausted as she shuffled past her.

Sonny leaned her head against the back of seat.

She couldn’t wait for the flight to be over.

_  
**And every time you speak his name  
Does he know how you told me  
You'd hold me until you died  
'Til you died, but you're still alive** _

Sonny felt the overwhelming desire to be alone in Portland.

She made her excuses fairly quickly on the morning of the game, feeding Ash some bullshit about going to meet Kling for a coffee. It wasn’t a _complete_ lie; she was still good friends with Kling and they had agreed to meet up, but they’d arranged it for after the game rather than before.

Staying in a hotel in Portland felt unnerving to the highest degree. It was a jarring contrast to look out at the Portland skyline, a view she was so familiar with, and then to turn back into an empty, impersonal hotel room with a few mediocre paintings on the walls and some wilting flowers.

Sonny missed her apartment. It hadn’t been quite as central as Lindsey’s was, and it was quieter, more remote. Whenever she was with Lindsey, it was rarely at hers. Lindsey’s was better for convenience; two minutes’ walk from Providence park, three minutes’ walk from the nearest liquor store and five minutes’ walk from one of their coffee hotspots. Sonny’s apartment had been very much her own space- a place where she could be on her own. She found herself longing for that solitude. It was something she’d wanted in increasing quantities since the trade.

It was only when she was out of the hotel and onto the streets, enjoying the breeze nipping at her ankles, that she realized she had no idea where she wanted to go.

Sonny felt like a stranger in her own city. Every street she walked down, every alley, seemed different somehow, even though she’d trod on the pavements so many times before.

She was suddenly uncomfortably conscious that she was no longer in Orlando- a city where people pushed past her rudely without so much as a flash of recognition. There was a very real chance that she could be recognized, and that was the very last thing she wanted. Pulling her baseball cap down so it covered her face, she avoided meeting the eyes of anyone she passed on the sidewalk.

Her feet led her to Providence Park, like she knew they always would.

She realized that she’d turned on autopilot- that she was unwittingly leading herself in the direction of Lindsey’s apartment, so she stopped, turned and surveyed the stadium that she’d played in and trained in, week in, week out, for four years.

It looked the same. Sonny didn’t really know why she’d even thought that it would’ve changed. She’d only been gone the whole of three months, but to her it felt like an age. Maybe that’s why she’d expected things to be different; maybe she’d wanted it to look like it had changed as much as she had in that period.

She started to wonder around the perimeter, and it struck her that some things _had_ changed. Huge posters of Thorns players- Sinc, Kling, Tobin- lined some of the walls, looking ready for business as usual.

There was one of Lindsey. _Of course there was one of Lindsey._

Whilst Tobin had her serious-pouting face nailed down to a tee, Lindsey’s face was lit up in a huge beaming smile. A smile that rose to her cheeks whenever she scored, waving at the crowd who hollered back in adoration.

The poster encompassed who Lindsey was to the Thorns entirely. She was their golden girl, their role-model, their million-dollar prize, and probably their future captain too.

She was perfect, in their eyes. To the Riveters she could do no wrong.

The thought made Sonny scoff.

_They don’t know_, she thought, _who Lindsey really is._

They didn’t know, that Lindsey had got drunk one evening and turned up on Sonny’s doorstep, explaining how she hadn’t wanted to be alone for the night.

They didn’t know, that she’d kissed Sonny in the kitchen, lips moving against her with burning fury.

They didn’t know, that they’d fallen into bed, expletives rolling off Lindsey’s tongue with ease as Sonny slipped her fingers between her thighs.

They didn’t know, how they’d said nothing to each other in the morning, and pretended that nothing had happened.

They _knew_ that Lindsey had a boyfriend- no, fiance- and that they were madly in love.

They didn’t know that Lindsey had fucked Sonny on nearly every surface of her apartment- multiple times over.

They didn’t know how it had gone on for over a year without so much as an ounce of regret or remorse or hesitation from either of them.

They didn’t know about the words that Lindsey growled into Sonny’s ear every time she toppled over the edge.

The smile that twisted onto Sonny’s face was sardonic as she turned on her heel.

She had a job to do. A game to win.

She strutted away from Providence Park before she could be recognized by anyone.

** _And I'm here, to remind you  
Of the mess you left when you went away_ **

** **

‘Right, we all know this is gonna be a tough game today, so let’s go out there, play with purpose, play with speed, play with passion. Let’s respect what the Thorns can do but know that we can get the result. Pride on three; one, two-’

Shouts of, ‘three!’ rang out through the locker room after Ash’s speech, and Sonny knelt down to check that her laces were triple-knotted again.

She tugged at the sleeves of her purple jersey, rolling her shoulders back, trying to put on an air of confidence that she knew she didn’t have.

Sonny was nervous. She’d promised herself she wouldn’t be, but she was.

She knew that as soon as the game kicked off all her fears would melt away- to be replaced by the oncoming tide of adrenaline. But before that happened, she’d have to line up in the tunnel, walk out onto the pitch, sing the anthem and shake hands.

She hadn’t seen Lindsey since the end of their last camp. They’d been friendly enough in front of Rose, Mal and Sam. To them they may have seemed a little distant, maybe, a little preoccupied. Nothing worth worrying over.

Sonny hadn’t looked Lindsey in the eye once on that trip. She’d thought that she’d have to fight hard to keep her emotions in check, that she’d have to restrain herself from running at Lindsey to clock her in the face, or to cry in her arms, or to kiss her.

Instead she’d felt nothing. Seeing the swish of Lindsey’s blonde ponytail at their first team meeting brought no thoughts rushing into her mind. Going up against her in training didn’t set her body on fire like it used to. Sonny felt numb around Lindsey.

She began to treat her like an inanimate object. The thought was an awful one, but it was almost too easy for Sonny to pretend that she was interacting with a brick wall.

She made Lindsey a nonentity.

She expected that Lindsey had done the same for her as well.

‘Let’s go Sonnett!’ Ash called from the door, and Sonny suddenly realized all her teammates were piling out of the locker room.

The first feeling Sonny felt as she lined up alongside the Thorns was jealousy.

She _loved_ their new jerseys. The black was classy, she thought, and the pattern certainly stood out.

She let out a low whistle of appreciation, and heard a snort from behind her.

When she turned, she was met with the view of a smirking Ellie Carpenter, arms folded across her chest.

‘Who’re you checking out now, Sonny?’

Sonny kept her face neutral, ‘Your bomb jerseys.’

Ellie’s smirked widened slightly to be replaced by a genuine smile, ‘You would’ve looked good in one.’

It suddenly registered with herthat she’d really missed Ellie, ‘We all want things we can’t have.’ she said with a shrug.

Ellie stepped closer, and Sonny pulled her into a tight hug. When she drew back, Ellie’s fingers lingered on her shoulders for a few moments.

‘See you on the other side.’ she whispered to her, and stepped back to take her place in the line.

‘Heya, kiddo.’ Sinc interrupted, walking past to stand at the front of the line, giving Sonny a hearty clap on the shoulder. Sonny flashed her a grin, and bumped fists with Kling, who was several paces behind.

Sonny could hear the roar of the crowd and could see a portion of the stands through the opening of the tunnel. Attendance was good, as it always was at Providence Park, and the flares were out in full force. Sonny had often wondered what it was like to play away in Portland- whether the electric atmosphere and chanting masses were intimidating in the way other players said they were.

As her fingers slid nervously down her sides, hands bunching in the material of her shorts, she knew she had her answer.

Sonny felt a tap on the shoulder, and this time it was Tobin, a fond look lighting up her features. She didn’t say anything, but quickly drew Sonny in. Tobin looked her right in the eye, gaze narrow and probing. Sonny was grateful, all of a sudden, that she’d become very good at making her gaze expressionless.

When Sonny had turned to face forward again in the line, Lindsey walked by. Sonny didn’t see it so much as she felt it- she always knew when Lindsey was near. She knew from the way she moved- fast and silent and smooth. It was a sense that she had developed after spending four years with Lindsey on the same roster. A sense that she’d refined more and more every time they’d fallen into bed together.

Sonny kept her eyes trained on Alanna’s ponytail in front of her in her line, refusing to look around.

And then the official at the front of the tunnel waved to catch their attention, and started to count down.

‘Ten seconds!’

‘Let’s go, team!’ Ash hollered from the front of the line, glancing back to make sure everyone was in place.

‘Heads in the game, Thorns!’ Sinc called from her side, a phrase Sonny had heard before nearly every NWSL game she’d played in her life.

In Sonny’s peripheral vision, Lindsey leaped up and down on the spot, puffing out her cheeks and rolling her shoulders.

‘Three, two, one, start walking!’ the official shouted from the front, and stepped back to allow the referees to start to advance, followed by Ash and Sinc.

Sonny only managed a few shaky steps forward before she could resist the temptation no longer.

She twisted her head slightly and fixed her eyes on Lindsey, who was across and one ahead of her in the line.

Lindsey’s chin was tilted upwards, jaw set in a line, gaze stony and focused. Sonny knew that look. Lindsey was ready to play.

And Sonny suddenly felt like she wasn’t.

Then they stepped out into the wall of noise and Sonny put that thought on hold.

_  
**It's not fair, to deny me  
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me  
You, you, you oughta know** _

Sonny loved singing the anthem. Admittedly, it did mean more when she was singing it in the national team jersey, but there was always something special to her about thousands of people belting out The Star-Spangled Banner, no matter who she was playing for. It made her feel proud to be American. Sonny didn’t always feel proud to be American. Sonny didn’t always feel proud, full stop.

The crowd cheered as the final notes of the song faded around the ground, and the referees started advancing down the line with polite smiles and steady handshakes.

Sonny had mastered the art of the small smile and respectful nod as the referees came by- a skill that often was of use to her whenever she committed a foul.

Sinc still had a smile on her face when she shook Sonny’s hand, but it was of a different sort to the one she offered her earlier; less warm and more carefully constructed. Her eyes met Sonny’s gaze, but she didn’t seem to be looking at her- more like _beyond_ her. Sonny knew her mind was entirely concentrated on the game ahead.

Sonny was aware that was the head-space she needed to be in. She knew she needed to tune out the crowd, the looks on her opponent’s faces, everything. But she felt jittery, out-of-place. Every time she tried to train her mind to focus on the soccer, it drifted to someplace else. It focused on the feeling of Becky’s bony grip instead, or wondered why only one of Ali Riley’s socks was tucked over her sweats on the bench, or panicked about how she was going to have to shake Lindsey’s hand- to touch her for the first time since-

Sonny looked up and suddenly Lindsey was there. For a brief, agonizing moment, their eyes locked. Lindsey’s eyes were usually blue- but that night they were distinctly green. Sonny dragged her eyes away to look down at her hand as Lindsey took it in her own, giving it a rapid, firm shake, before promptly dropping it and moving on.

Sonny’s eyes tracked Lindsey’s retreating form down the line.

_How did it come to this?_ She wondered, not even bothering to return the smiles that the Thorns players were offering her.

The back of her neck tingled. Her hair was done up in its customary bun- her tattoo of the cross exposed to the harsh stadium lights.

Sonny felt the ghost of Lindsey’s fingers on the cross, tracing the pattern over and over again as they lay tangled in the sheets.

‘Hey, jackass, get moving.’ Toni laughed, and Sonny was physically jolted from her thoughts. She was standing in line, hand still extended out to shake, but the Thorns had long gone and all her teammates had slid away so she was the only one left standing there.

‘I was just waiting a while longer for Tobin,’ Sonny tried to joke as she re-joined the group for the team photo, ‘In case she was late.’

The joke was up there with one of the lamest ones she’d ever made, but Ali and Ash chuckled a little, saving her from the dreaded post-joke silence.

** _You seem very well, things look peaceful  
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know_ **

** **

‘Smile for the starter’s photo please ladies!’

Sonny’s arrival in Orlando hadn’t been the smoothest, to say the least.

For starters, she’d cried almost non-stop through her flight, almost dying from embarrassment as the man sitting next to her offered her a tissue and sympathetic smile.

‘First time flying?’ he’d asked, and Sonny didn’t know how to explain that she’d cut off all ties with best friend who she was a little bit in love with- and who she’d been sleeping with- despite the fact she had boyfriend, so she just nodded her head and wiped her nose with the tissue.

Second of all, Orlando was uncomfortably close to home. This was a fact that Sonny knew she’d appreciate in the future, but she’d dreaded seeing Emma’s face- apprehensive, gentle, nervous. She’d never breathed a word to Emma about Lindsey, nor mentioned their blowout argument, but Emma knew all the same. It was one of the great curses of having a twin.

Lastly, she was sad. And lost. And uncertain. And unwanted. Unwanted by the Thorns, unwanted by Lindsey.

She thought she could put up with being unwanted by the Thorns. But she couldn’t bear to think about being unwanted by Lindsey.

Maybe it was because she’d always known, inside her. It was an inevitability, completely inescapable, their predetermined fate. Sonny knew that if Lindsey had wanted her- really wanted her- that she’d have sat Sonny down and said it to her face. But she didn’t. She just kept coming back and coming back and coming back for more, and Sonny couldn’t deny her.

Sonny had never been strong enough to deny Lindsey anything.

She’d not been strong enough to call Lindsey when she got to Orlando, to tap on her number and cry her apologies down the phone until they could dismiss the episode as another small bump in the much greater road of friendship.

The dilemma had nearly broken her.

_Was avoiding calling Lindsey a sign of weakness_? she wondered. Because if she had called her, Sonny would’ve had to lie. She’d have to have said that she hadn’t meant anything she’d said- and that possibly could've been the biggest lie that Sonny had ever told.

It didn’t matter so much now, because Sonny was stronger. She was stronger because of it.

When her arms looped around Marta’s waist for the team photo, Sonny’s mind finally focused on the game.

If she’d been strong enough to get through that episode, she knew she must be strong enough to endure the ninety minutes to follow.

** **

** _Did you forget about me, Mrs. Duplicity?  
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner_ **

‘You ready, Son?’ Ali asked her, as Sonny lined up a few paces away from her at right back.

Sonny nodded, ‘Clean sheet today.’

‘You bet.’

Ali clapped her hands and raised her voice so the whole defensive line could hear, ‘We don’t give them anything today, you hear me? Let’s shut ‘em out.’

‘Let’s fucking go!’ Ash added, cupping her glove around her mouth and hollering at them from the goal line. Ali turned back to Sonny, the look on her face softening,

‘If you’re getting overwhelmed over there make sure you tell me. I’ll tuck in a little more.’

_It was her third night in Orlando when the worst of it hit her. Wave upon wave upon wave of destructive thoughts rushing through her mind, leaving her soul splintered and bare. _

_She was on her hands and knees in the living room, struggling to breathe and too weighed down to move towards her couch. _

_It wasn’t like she’d not had panic attacks before, but never on that scale. The nasty, guttural sounds of pain that came from her throat made her feel almost primal, and her chest heaved so much she thought she was about to churn the contents of her stomach out onto the carpet. It was fifteen minutes before her fingers were finally able to reach out and grasp her phone. _

_She called Lindsey first, on impulse. Her hands shook as she pressed the phone desperately to her ear, begging aloud for her to pick up._

_The call went to voicemail, and she called Ali instead. _

_Later that night, wrapped up in the duvet in Ali and Ash’s guest room, sucking the Cheetos dust off her fingers, she saw his post. A cute couple photo of them on a date, fingers clasped together across the table. She noticed that Lindsey’s phone was face down on the table, and that her smile didn’t quite meet her eyes. _

‘Son?’ Ali asked again, and Sonny knew Ali’s feelers were out again, extending like tendrils of smoke to engulf her.

‘Yep, okay, makes sense. If you need me to drop back more, just say.’

_  
**It was a slap in the face  
How quickly I was replaced  
And are you thinking of me when you fuck him?** _

They’d normally have done their handshake by then.

Sonny’s eyes were fixed on Lindsey’s form across the pitch. Her view wasn’t the best, due to some quantity of bodies and space between them, but Sonny had enough of Lindsey’s body memorized for her imagination to fill in the gaps.

Lindsey’s legs were split apart and she shifted from side to side to stretch her muscles, palms massaging her quads.

Sonny knew exactly what it felt like to have her hands on Lindsey’s thighs.

Lindsey wasn’t a telepathic, but she had always been able to read Sonny’s mind with such ease that Sonny didn’t think she’d be at all surprised if Lindsey actually turned out to be one.

Sonny beamed her next few thoughts at her, hoping that her brainwaves would somehow travel the length of the pitch and worm their way into Lindsey’s brain via her ear.

_Do you think about me?_ She broadcast, screaming her thought into the void.

_Is it me on your mind when you fuck him?_

_Is it my name you shout in your head when you come?_

_Is it my hands that you picture-_

The referee blew her whistle, and Sophia Smith squared the ball to Sinc.

** _'Cause the love that you gave that we made  
Wasn't able to make it enough for you  
To be open wide, no_ **

Contrary to the frenzy that her mind had stirred up pre-game about her performance, Sonny played the first half of her life.

She was razor sharp. Marking Sophia Smith was certainly no easy task, but she was suddenly hyper-aware of every move she made. She could read whatever Sophia was going to do before it actually happened. For the first twenty minutes of the first half, Sonny never stopped running- dropping off to bait the pass before cutting off the ball or pressing so tightly that she forced Sophia to turn and play back.

After an off-target long pass from Kling floated harmlessly into the stands for a goal kick, Sonny saw Lindsey beckon for Celeste and Gabby to come in for a moment, and the three exchanged brief, terse words before jogging back into position.

The balls towards Sonny’s side of the pitch stopped almost entirely after that.

On reflection, Sonny realized that Mark must’ve identified her as an area of weakness in the defense- an easy target to isolate and beat in one-to-one coverage. Sonny also knew that Sophia Smith was one of the biggest attacking talents to come out of college since maybe Mal, and that trying to get her on the ball as much as possible was a no-brainer- but the thought of Mark considering her as the weakest defensive link made her grind her teeth.

She was determined to let nothing past her after that. The pace that she played at was almost terrifying, spurred on by the adrenaline coursing through her system.

Sonny was angry. She pumped every ounce of her all-consuming rage into every kick of the ball, but she always seemed to be left with more of it than what she started with.

Fortunately or unfortunately (Sonny couldn’t tell), Sophia Smith wasn’t the easily-wound-up type. She was curiously quiet, only ever opening her mouth to call for the ball or to shout an instruction. If a pass was over-hit or Sonny got the ball off her, she simply turned on a heel and dropped off to help defend. The only indication of any sort of frustration on her behalf was a little huff under her breath. Her impassiveness baffled Sonny.

It was like they were two opposite sides of the coin facing up against each other. Sonny was pumped, screaming instructions at her back line like it was her who was in charge, growling with satisfaction after every clean tackle. Sophia Smith was almost robotic; collected and cautious in the challenge.

They’d only played thirty minutes, but Sonny started to get the feeling that she was in for a monumental battle.

_  
**And every time you speak his name  
Does he know how you told me  
You'd hold me until you died  
'Til you died, but you're still alive** _

For the first time since anyone could remember, the Pride backline frustrated the Thorns.

At first, Sonny hardly allowed herself to enjoy it. They still, after all, had more than half of the game yet to play. But as the minutes ticked closer to the end of the half, Sonny felt herself relax a little more and soak up the pleasure she felt about her performance.

She was normally one to get inside her own head about how she was playing, winding herself up so tightly that everything tended to pour out in a singular play and often resulted in a card.

But in the last fifteen minutes, she played with a freedom that she hadn’t felt since her college days. She was suddenly calm and confident on the ball, feeling like no one was going to be able to take it off her. Sophia Smith tried once, applying the counter-press after Sonny had jabbed the ball away. Deftly, Sonny flicked it through her legs and sent a glorious diagonal ball to Marta.

She grinned from ear to ear for the first time since she touched down in Portland.

She could tell she wasn’t the only one enjoying their defensive masterclass. On the opposite flank Carson was infuriating Tobin to no end, taking the ball away from her with ease.

Whenever Ali spoke to Sonny it was always an instruction rather than words of encouragement, but as Sonny thumped a clearance away deep into the Thorns half, Ali’s smile was impossible to miss.

When the half-time whistle blew, the game was still goalless. They hadn’t exactly had many chances up front, but Ash had only been called upon once or twice. Tobin’s lips were pursed in a look of pure exasperation and Sinc wiped her face with her shirt.

Out of the corner of her eye, Sonny saw Lindsey advance wordlessly towards the bench, taking the water bottle that Ellie offered her and slamming it into the ground.

Trying not to smile, Sonny wiped the sheen of sweat off her forehead and jogged, business-like, towards the tunnel.

** _And I'm here, to remind you  
Of the mess you left when you went away  
It's not fair, to deny me  
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me  
You, you, you oughta know_ **

The second half started off in very much the same way that the first half had ended.

If anything, it got better for the Pride. They enjoyed longer and longer spells of possession, and Marta was a menace, running Menges and Ellie ragged. The pressure on the backline eased and the Pride started to establish a foothold in the game.

It was after their third straight corner that Sonny saw Lindsey exhale through pursed lips and knew that she was about to take the bit between her teeth.

Lindsey was a freak of nature when she had to be. She always played with passion, but Sonny had seen the look before; when her eyes glazed over and her mouth set and the next thing anyone knew, the ball was in the net.

Normally Lindsey sustained her ‘superhuman form’, as Sonny had so often called it, for mere minutes rather than entire games, but somehow she’d managed to keep the fire burning during the ridiculous run of form she'd had during the CONCACAF tournament in January.

The tournament that had been the first run of games since Sonny's trade.

And Sonny didn’t have her ear pressed as closely to the grapevine of Lindsey news as she had before, but she was pretty sure she’d seen somewhere that Lindsey’s start to the season had been electric.

Sonny turned to gesture for Ali to come over.

‘Watch out for Lindsey.’ she warned her, covering her mouth with her hand in case the cameras were trained on them. Ali looked doubtful,

‘She’s been pretty quiet all game.’

Sonny shot her a look, ‘Trust me. Just don’t lunge into any tackles.’

Ali scoffed, ‘That’s you, not me.’

They watched from a little way outside the box as Syd’s header flew harmlessly into AD’s gloves, and jogged backwards towards the halfway line. Surely enough, Lindsey’s hand shot into the air to call for the ball and AD cocked her arm back and launched a throw, catapulting the ball towards her feet.

Lindsey’s first touch was elegant, and Sonny knew they were screwed.

Lindsey began to drive, head down, legs pumping. Marta thought about putting in a challenge, but Lindsey brushed past her with ease, hardly noticing she was there. Taylor was next in line, a rookie with no small amount of potential, but Lindsey neatly side-stepped the challenge and barreled onwards. She knocked the ball past both Marisa and Emily, and then suddenly it was Lindsey Horan versus the Orlando backline.

‘You go to!’ Ali screamed at Toni as she backpedaled rapidly, and Toni cautiously advanced, jockeying as low to the ground as she could. Lindsey continued to drive at her, not at all deterred by Toni’s hulking form. Sonny watched as Toni waited and waited, before reaching out and miraculously jabbing the ball away. The ball fell loose- then both Lindsey and Toni lunged for it. Sonny knew Lindsey would have the step- Lindsey always had the step- and as Toni slid along the dirt in a desperate attempt to win the ball, Lindsey pulled off one of the most audacious Maradona turns that Sonny had ever seen in her life, dragging the ball back with her left and flicking it over Toni’s outstretched foot with her right. Toni scrabbled to get up from the turf, but Lindsey was already long gone, approaching the edge of the box.

Ali could back off no longer, and suddenly, like a tiger stalking it’s prey, she pounced forward as Lindsey lined up for a shot, closing the gap between her and Lindsey, pressing her body against hers in an attempt to knock her off balance.

Sonny knew Lindsey was strong. They were partners in the gym for the national team, and Sonny had spent an awful lot of hours staring at her arms. Lindsey threw Sonny off with an embarrassing regularity in scrimmages, but Ali was not Sonny. Ali was a veteran defender- powerful, poised, well-balanced.

And Lindsey tossed her off like she was nothing.

Sonny knew she had to intervene the second she saw Ali fall backwards. She’d already tucked in to support, but she still had about seven or eight steps to make up before she could even start to think about blocking Lindsey’s shot. There was an almost one hundred percent chance that she’d end up on her backside and the ball would end up in the net.

She went for it anyway, taking huge strides as Lindsey cocked her leg back for the second time, muscles ripping in her calves.

She was too late. She knew she was too late. She threw herself into the challenge, pointing her toes in order to maximize her chances of diverting the shot. Lindsey’s strike was a thunderbolt; Sonny knew as soon as it left her foot that it was destined for the top corner.

And then somehow, Sonny got a toe to the ball. It was a tiny nudge, an almost imperceptible brush off the tip of her foot.

But it was enough, and suddenly instead of bursting a hole in the net, Lindsey’s shot spiraled around the post.

Sonny clattered into Lindsey, studs crunching against her shins, and Sonny heard her howl in pain. Lindsey fell forwards, hitting the grass hard, and Sonny slowed to a stop on the pitch, trying to work out what had just happened.

It wasn’t a foul. Sonny knew it wasn’t a foul. She had got the ball, and the referee agreed, indicating for the corner, but Providence Park was suddenly on its feet.

The jeers and howls of protest rang in Sonny’s ears and she blinked a few times, disoriented. Suddenly, she felt Ash haul her to her feet and slap her hard on the back, and Ali’s hands squeeze her shoulders, whispering praise into her ear.

Sonny saw Sinc glance to her right, alarmed, and she turned to see Tobin steamrollering her way over to Lindsey, jaw set in a determined grimace.

Lindsey was still on the floor, one hand covering her eyes, other clutching at her shins. Sonny watched as Tobin knelt next to Lindsey, hands falling on her arms with gentle concern. And then Lindsey was pushing her away and rising to her feet, limping a little with the pain.

Sonny saw Tobin reflexively wrap her arms around Lindsey’s waist, to stop her launching herself at Sonny, who was several paces off.

Lindsey stared at Sonny, and for the first time Sonny met her gaze, chin tilted upwards in defiance.

Lindsey’s eyes weren’t burning with anger, like Sonny assumed they would be. They were pained and hurt and almost _relieved_.

Lindsey looked like a wounded animal, but a wounded animal who’d welcomed its attacker.

And then it clicked.

Lindsey had wanted to get hit. She’d wanted Sonny to tackle her, to lunge into her, to hurt her.

_She thinks she deserves it_, Sonny realized, head spinning.

Lindsey gulped and looked down at the ground, and then jogged over to the corner to take the kick.

** _'Cause the joke that you laid in the bed  
That was me and I'm not gonna fade_ ** _  
**As soon as you close your eyes, and you know it** _

The score was still nil-nil when the stadium clock read eighty-five minutes played, and Sonny’s lungs were screaming.

Everyone was tired. Sonny could see that even the perpetually-moving Sophia Smith dragged her toes a little as she sprinted back to prevent the counter-attack

Sonny knew that it was in this small little window that she had to make her performance count.

She hadn’t gone forward all that much in the game, cautious to never create too much separation between her and Sophia, but with ten minutes to go Ali had called her name and waved her hand in a pushing motion, wordlessly urging Sonny to get up the field.

The Thorns, it seemed, had resigned to the fact that they weren’t going to be able to score, and were instead firmly fixated on damage limitation. There were no searching through-balls or mazy centre back runs. They seemed content to pass the ball around the back and run the clock out.

Sonny could tell this was an arrangement that Lindsey was less than pleased about. She threw her hands down in frustration when Menges opted out of a threaded pass to her and instead sent the ball back to AD’s feet.

It was a tactic that worked, despite Lindsey’s obvious displeasure. The Pride saw hardly any of the ball, and as time slipped away Sonny started to feel that it was a one-chance-takes-all kind of game.

When the official on the sideline held up her electronic board to show the three added minutes, Sonny wondered if they were going to get their chance at all.

And then, almost on cue, Sonny saw Taylor’s eyes light up from across the pitch as she pounced on a loose touch from Celeste, winning the ball back and quickly squaring it to an advancing Ali.

Sonny started to run. Her hamstrings felt like they were on fire, and she could hear her own rasping breath, but she did not stop. Sophia Smith, who’d been kneeling over, hands on her knees, could not keep up.

When Ali’s pass came to Sonny’s feet, she looked up and realized she was advancing into the final third. Kling hovered at the edge of the area, waiting for Sonny to get close enough before engaging.

Sonny was so far out. Way too far out to start thinking about crossing the ball. If she’d attempted anything like it in training the ball wouldn’t have even got past the first defender.

But Sonny had done things that night that she’d never even dreamed of being able to do. Like pocketing the future poster girl of the US Women’s National Team.

So she pulled her leg back as far as it could go and drove her laces through the ball, quads screaming.

She could always tell when she’d hit a good pass. It was the feeling that she got as she struck it, the way that her body almost rippled in pleasure as all her angles lined up perfectly.

She knew it was a good ball from the moment it left her foot, but she didn’t really anticipate _how_ good.

She hadn’t even seen Syd bound into the box, slipping into the little pocket of space between Menges and Becky, but Sonny could tell that she was in the area the ball was looping into. She started to raise her arms in celebration.

She watched in slow motion as Becky leaped, every part of her body straining to get the barest of touches on the ball, but to no avail.

As the ball came down behind Becky’s back, Syd’s right foot came over to meet it, and suddenly everything was flowing at normal speed again and the ball was in the back of the net.

Sonny roared, leaping on the spot, hands grabbing at her shirt in a grip so tight she felt like she was about to tear her jersey off.

The stadium, in contrast, had gone silent. Syd was sprinting away from the goalmouth, one arm raised in the air, finger pointing at the sky. The bench were on their feet, streaking along the sideline to meet her, Ali Riley’s sock untucking from over her sweats as she ran.

Sonny’s feet pounded across the turf as she cut across the edge of the box to meet them, arms outstretched.

‘Syd!’ she screamed, voice hoarse, ‘Syd!’

She leaped high as she rammed into the mass of bodies pressed against each other on the sideline, arms wrapping around Toni’s neck.

Syd was out of view, buried under the sheer volume of skin surrounding her, but everyone was shrieking illegible words at her, words which were probably how Sonny imagined the exclamation mark would sound if it could ever be pronounced.

As their huddle dispersed, the screams fading to shouts of, ‘Let’s go Pride!’ and huge smiles, Sonny caught sight of Lindsey, kneeling on the grass and sitting back at her heels, gazing at the sky. The rest of the Thorns looked devastated- Tobin looked positively incensed- but Lindsey’s face had morphed into a look that was more like acceptance.

Sonny tried to feel smug about it as she jogged back past the halfway line, but she could only feel emptiness.

_  
**And every time I scratch my nails  
Down someone else's back I hope you feel it  
Well, can you feel it?** _

The final whistle blew, and Sonny sunk to her knees on the turf, overwhelmed by joy and relief and the incessant burning in her legs.

The crowd clapped and whistled, but the clapping was soon replaced by what sounded like grumbles and mutterings as people streamed towards the exits.

Sonny was knocked off her knees and squashed into the grass by Toni, who ruffled her hair so vigorously her bun came loose.

‘Oh boy, you sure can cross a ball.’ She said, giving her another hug for good measure.

‘Son, that was a masterclass.’ Ali told her seriously, her hug significantly less crushing than Toni’s,

‘They’ll be teaching people how to defend using your tape from this game.’ Ash had also wandered over, pulling her gloves off and unwinding the tape wrapped around her fingers.

Sonny was so exhausted she could only nod.

Sophia Smith approached, almost timidly, extending a neatly manicured hand for Sonny to shake.

‘You were insane tonight.’ She said, her tone as soft as her manner, ‘There was just no way past you.’

Sonny grinned, ‘If it makes you feel any better, that was the best game I’ve played in my life.’

Sophia’s handshake was warm, ‘No mercy for your old team, then?’

‘Not intentionally. I think my gears were just running extra smooth tonight.’

‘Lucky us.’ Sophia replied, and Sonny thought she was cute when she smiled. ‘No wonder Lindsey talks about you a lot.’

Ali’s hand adjusted slightly from where it was curled around the base of Sonny’s neck, fingers digging into the dip in her shoulder.

Sonny didn’t react, ‘She does?’

She knew the words must’ve come out with an edge of aggression, because a blush rose on Sophia cheeks and she cleared her throat nervously, ‘Yeah, um. Tobin gets really annoyed whenever she brings you up- I think she’s got a tally sheet or something.’

Despite herself, Sonny laughed, ‘Classic Tobin. I’d keep close watch of that tally sheet though. She’s not famed for her math ability.’

Her reaction seemed to put Sophia at ease a little more, ‘Okay bye, good to talk to you.’

‘I’m sure I’ll see you at camp!’ Sonny called after her.

Ellie waved Sonny over after the post-game huddle, and Sonny was careful to avoid Lindsey and Tobin, who were deep in an animated conversation by the bench.

‘Hey there superstar.’ Ellie greeted, eyes twinkling despite the result. She hugged Sonny again,

‘Pleased to see me?’ Sonny asked, before noticing that it sounded a little flirtatious.

Ellie wiggled her eyebrows, ‘I always am.’ She answered with a little giggle. ‘I know you’re going to get coffee with Kling tomorrow, but do you wanna do a late run to get Thai after this? You can stay at my place if you need- unless you need to get back to the hotel-’

‘That sounds great.’ Sonny cut her off, and Ellie beamed.

‘Cool. Wait, do you want to do it at Lindsey’s place or mine? Because I can- let’s just ask her. Lindsey!’ Sonny realized a moment too late that Ellie was about to call for Lindsey, and her hands clasped around Ellie’s wrists frantically.

‘No!’ she whispered, glancing back over her shoulder, but the damage had already been done. Lindsey looked up from her talk with Tobin, brows furrowing in confusion.

Ellie looked confused, ‘What? Why?’

Sonny’s mind raced to formulate an excuse, ‘I’ve seen Lindsey already. I kinda just want to spend some time with you.’

There was no hiding the flush on Ellie’s face, ‘Um. Okay. Cool. See you outside after?’

Sonny could feel Lindsey’s eyes boring into her back.

She slipped her arm around Ellie’s waist, hand squeezing her hip. ‘Sounds good.’

** _And I'm here, to remind you  
Of the mess you left when you went away  
It's not fair, to deny me  
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me  
You, you, you oughta know_ **

Sonny padded towards the tunnel, boots in hand, five minutes later. The stadium had almost emptied completely, bar some fans leaning over the barriers, angling for photos and autographs.

It was then that Sonny allowed herself a moment of quiet satisfaction.

She’d come back to the home of club that had traded her, shut out their new biggest star, and got the assist for the winning injury-time goal. There weren’t many bigger _fuck yous_ than that, in her humble opinion.

She expected herself to feel free. Free from the iron-grip that Lindsey had on her, free from thinking about her every moment of every day- what she was doing, how she was playing, who she was fucking.

Because she’d won this time. It felt like she’d lost every battle she’d ever fought with Lindsey, but finally she’d managed to go one-up on her.

Victory didn’t taste as sweet as she thought it might’ve. Victory didn’t taste sweet at all.

It all hurt just the same as it had before.

Lindsey was there, by one of the barriers. Sonny could spot her from a mile away. She was speaking to a man across the barrier, a man who had a baseball cap pulled low to cover his face.

She was speaking to Him.

Sonny burned. It felt wrong, all of a sudden, for her to be there. Panic grasped at her chest- she couldn’t let him see her.

Suddenly, Lindsey said something, and he tipped his head back and guffawed, and Sonny realized that he _still didn’t know_.

Lindsey was standing there, ring on her finger twinkling under the stadium lights, talking to the man she was destined to marry- and he was unaware that his wife-to-be had had her fingers buried into Sonny anytime they were alone. Which had been pretty often.

Sonny didn’t know how that made her feel. But it was important- significant.

Sonny caught herself staring just a little too late, and Lindsey turned around briefly, sensing eyes on her.

Sonny caught her eye for the third time that night.

This time, Lindsey’s eyes were pleading. Pleading for what (_forgiveness, mercy, her silence_?), Sonny didn’t know.

Sonny hadn’t won. She hadn’t won anything. She’d fucked her best friend senseless for twelve months, and loved her for all twelve and more.

Lindsey hadn’t won. She’d cheated on her boyfriend inexcusably and not told him. The same boyfriend she was due to marry.

He hadn’t won, either. He thought he was about to marry the perfect woman- gorgeous, funny, _loyal_.

Sonny was reminded of the old Clint Eastwood cowboy films where they’d all be locked in a circle, guns pointing at each other’s chest.

Except in this scenario, they were all on the floor, smoke rising from the gunshots in each one of their chests.

Maybe, if Sonny had refused Lindsey, talked to her, given her some space- she might’ve been able to love her without hating her at the same time.

Maybe, if Lindsey had got her shit together, then she wouldn’t have trapped herself in her impossible ultimatum.

There had been a time where Sonny thought Lindsey might’ve actually been in love with her.

_In a war, there are no winners_, Sonny thought. She dragged her eyes away from Lindsey and ran to catch up with Ali and Ash.

* * *

Three days later, Lindsey deleted her engagement post. She deleted all her other posts with him, too.

**Author's Note:**

> i hate stories that don't have happy endings so i might go out on a whim and make this a series and then write from lindsey's perspective based on another song?  
i'm still undecided though, because i think i wrapped this up pretty nicely.


End file.
